This is discrimination, I thought.

Last week, I had clicked on a link some people were sharing. As I read the article, I couldn't help but feel like I was inferior in some way because of my genes. Some emotions I felt: Anger. Shame. Jealousy. Hunger. (Those other emotions really get a guy's appetite going.)

The article was called "7 Obvious Reasons You Need to Date a Guy with a Beard."

In it, the author makes a case for the power of a man's beard. She says things like, "(A girl) knows that even a decent five o’ clock shadow can transform any dork into a rugged, mountain-climbing hunk." And "There’s a reason why Allie went back to Noah in The Notebook — and we all know it was his beard."

I took offense to this. I still do. I'm pretty upset by it, and you'd be able to tell if you were here with me in person because there's no beard on my face to mask the reddening of my skin.

As my bearded friends love to remind me, I'll never be able to match their manliness because I can't grow a beard. My five o'clock shadow starts to come in about...two days after I shave.

Well.

I've made my own list in response. This is:

THE TOP TEN REASONS WHY GUYS WITHOUT BEARDS ARE AWESOME

1. Guys without beards have nothing to hide. Especially their beautiful faces.

2. Guys without beards don't have chunks of last week's potato salad still hanging around their chins.

3. You'll never have to ask yourself, "Is this person normal, or is he the next Una-bomber?" when you see a guy without a beard.

4. You won't feel like you're bushwhacking through Mirkwood Forest when you kiss a guy without a beard.

5. Guys without beards are smarter, stronger, and faster than guys with beards. That's science.

6. Guys without beards can teleport through time and

Okay, fine. I can't think of ten reasons.

Beards are awesome, we all know it, and I want one.

Ladies, go find your bearded Ryan Gosling. The rest of us beardless guys will just have to settle to date Sarah Michelle Gellar in Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathons.

If you'll excuse me, I have work to do, because I have to pay for the $80,000 I spend on razors every year.

(Fun fact for beardless guys: If a bearded guy is holding a young child, tell the kid to pull on the fun thing hanging off that guy's face. It'll make you feel better for at least a minute.)

***

If you've ever been to a place like Fogo de Chao, then you know what it's like to to experience a brief passing of glory over your taste buds.

Yet the experience can be Icarus-like as you fly too close to the sun and knock on the door of meat heaven. You know what I'm talking about:

The meat sweats.

When I first heard of the meat sweats, I scoffed, had a hearty laugh at what I thought to be foolish myth. After a particularly gluttonous experience at Fogo, however, I discovered the tales were true. I awoke in the middle of that December night in a pool of my own sweat, smelling like my Foreman grill.

There is a dear price to be paid for hedonistic meat consumption, friends. Unfortunately, meat sweats are not the only negative consequence of single-handedly wiping out Ponderosa's supply of chicken wings at their all-you-can-eat buffet.

With the help of some friends, I've compiled a list of several "meat afflictions" that one might expect after a night of meat binging. These are very real, and not a joke. I would never joke about meat.

You may experience...

...meat sweats.
...meat chills.
...meat jitters.
...meat sweeps.
...meat hallucinations.
...meat eye.
...post traumatic meat disorder.
...meatnesia.
...meat blindness.
...meathritis.
...meat baby.
...meat lung.
...meatarrhea. The worst.
...meatsomnia.
...meat coma. You'll be lucky to come out of it.

If you know of any other meat afflictions, consider it your civic duty to report them to me.

Eat carefully, my friends.

10 Reasons Why Guys Without Beards Are Awesome